Please Forgive Those Who Have Harmed You

This is kind of a strange item to appear in a list of this sort, but I feel it is an important and often missing piece to the puzzle of life, as well as our relationship with money. The best analogy I have is unforgiveness is like cholesterol clogged arteries. It blocks the flow of the Holy Spirit in Christians and poisons the life of Christian and unbeliever alike. Left untreated the pain and the problem will increase until the heart can no longer generate enough energy to overcome the constriction in the artery. Untreated the result is death. It is number two on my list. I feel that strongly because I believe forgiveness is that important.

Not surprisingly, I have a problem in this area. Twice in my life I have suffered unjust and in one case, perhaps irreparable damage to my career at the hands of wicked men. I still have not completely forgiven one of my enemies, even though I lift him up to God, every time I feel the pain of unforgiveness constrict my heart.

I have done better with another player in this unfortunate drama. His sin was one of omission rather than commission and, as far as I know, he is a brother in Christ. I experimented with a spiritual exercise attributed to Father Gerry O’Rourke. It worked. God’s best is a face to face reconciliation but sometimes that is just impossible. In such cases you might find this a useful alternative. Some of this if from memory so I might be off a bit on some of the details of how I actually did it.

Decide in your heart that you are ready to forgive the person who injured you, totally, absolutely, and unconditionally. If you are not ready, lift that person to God and restate your desire to forgive them. Tell God how much you want to let this go and put this person in his hands. It might take a very long time, but keep at it until you are ready. Understand forgive does not mean forget. It just means you are releasing any rights you have retained to take any act of vengeance, including hateful speech, character assassination even if true, or intentionally malicious speech. It has been said, “Throw your heart over a fence and the rest of you will follow.” That is pretty much what you are trying to do in this exercise.

Once you are ready, think deeply about the entire situation. Dig deeply into your own heart and remember every injury you have suffered every pain you have felt. Write them down on a piece of paper. Write until you run out of every angry hateful thought you have concerning this person. Then write down, “and anything else that I might remember at a later time.”

Then sit down in a chair. Close your eyes and visualize that person sitting in a chair across from you. Try to make it as real and detailed as you can. Then, silently, in your mind, unload on this person. Let him know everything thing on that list with all the emotions and hurt you feel. If you can, try and imagine how that person might respond. In your mind, let them respond. When this exercise is finished, tell the person that you forgive them, totally, absolutely, and unconditionally. Tell them you release any rights to take acts of vengeance.

Then open your eyes, restate your decision and your commitment to forgive your enemy to God. Stand up, tear the piece of paper into small pieces and throw it away. I threw my piece of paper into a paper shredder approved for classified information we have at work. The particles that come out of that machine are so small that they are almost powder. Then thoroughly wash your hands with soap and water and consider the case closed.

I have seen so much energy wasted in hating or resenting those who have wronged us. In the most extreme cases, a lack of forgiveness almost guarantees that the person will never reach their goal. Consider a divorced woman who was seriously and unjustly injured by her former husband. In such cases, a woman can harbor so much hatred of her former husband that she is unable to have a healthy adult relationship with another man. More likely we simply waste time and energy as we relive past wrongs and extend hateful thoughts towards those who have committed real offenses that have truly hurt us. Even the wicked understand this. If a drug dealer is wronged by a competitor, he will simply take a gun and kill the man who wronged him. This is an effective way to deal with the pain of unforgiveness but it is not in keeping with the way of the universe. God says, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay.” In this world the wicked do prosper but ultimately that is business of our God. Your challenge is to do good in this world. Ultimately Jesus did not tell us to forgive our enemies for our enemies’ benefit. The command to forgive our enemies is for our benefit and for our healing.

I am a Christian and so I believe in a personal God who created the universe and is actively involved in His creation, but these principles will work for you, no matter who you are or what you might believe. There is a way in God’s universe that impersonally applies to all men and women. Gravity comes to mind. If I jump off the roof of my house I will fall to the ground. It does not matter who I am or what I believe. Likewise the first law of thermodynamics comes to mind. If I eat too much and do not exercise, Christian, Buddhist, or atheist I will gain weight. Likewise with forgiveness, hatred never ends hatred. Vengeance leads to endless blood feuds, whether the participants are Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland, Mafia clans in Sicily, tribes in Africa, families in West Virginia, or nations the Middle East. Christian or not. Hatred and vengeance it is not the way of the universe. As you work with your heart, keep this in mind. Whether you pray directly to the God who is, or whether you seek to align your life with the way of the universe, as you forgive your enemy, you will move closer to personal peace, joy, and greater success.

Jesus had so much to say on the subject of forgiveness that it is difficult to select a scripture. This seems like a pretty good example.

Matthew 5

[43] Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
[44] But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
[45] That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
[46] For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
[47] And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
[48] Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.