The Jack of Diamonds and His Queen of Hearts

No secrets. If you or your spouse spend more than the cost of a CD or a paperback book on something, decide on that expense together, as a couple. There are exceptions. My wife does not want to know about the power bill, tires on her car, or specialized tools she does not understand. Set your own rules and limits for your own marriage and stick to them.

Number 6 on my list of 10 basic financial rules for young couples is no secrets. At the time I came up with this list, I was particularly pleased with myself because I hadn’t heard such advice in any similar list. Since then I have found it in other places, but sadly it seems to be overlooked by many financial advisors. It is critical. Hiding expenses from your spouse is a recipe for disaster. Whether your secret vice is shoes or tools you will be found out.

This rule also applies to activities that are an expense in both time and money. Golf, for example, can become an expensive hobby. $75 in green fees, $200 titanium drivers, a half a dozen lost balls, five hours for a round on a public course, an hour to drive to and from the course, and a couple of hours drinking with your friends in the club house constitute a major expense in both time and money. Your wife might have other ideas on how to better invest your time and money.

Over the years I have listened on and off to a local radio show featuring four men, now moving into their forties. They talk about sports and their lives, just like any four guys sitting around a table. I guess they have been on and off the air for close to 20 years. I have heard their problems with first women in general, then their wives, and now their children. Occasionally, their wives react to their hobbies with anger or amazement. One told a story of a video game he would play for hours, always to get killed at the same spot in the game. His wife could not understand how in the world he could keep doing something so stupid and futile. Another admitted his wife was right about his video game addiction. She was dealing with an angry toddler, screaming and grabbing her leg at a time when she needed to breast feed their newborn. Her husband, hypnotized by his video game, did not come to her rescue until she walked into the game room on the verge of tears, demanding his assistance. Now they are worried about their sons, who don’t like to study but will spend hours playing on line video games with total strangers. They just don’t understand how their progeny could waste so much time in such a futile pursuit.

As the Chinese say, “Young pigs grunt like old pigs grunted before.”

Their current obsession is poker, a pastime popular with the under forty crowd. It is a game in which skill plays a greater role than luck. A player must both understand the mathematics of their hands and possess the psychological ability to both read and manipulate their opponents. They play it all the time, with friends, at an occasional tournament in Atlantic City, or sometimes for hours on the computer. As one of the more popular drive time radio shows in the Baltimore Washington metropolitan area, they are pretty well off today and probably can afford what they lose.

As long as their wives understand how much this is costing the family in time and money and are comfortable with such expenditures it will be OK. I would suggest a separate poker account containing a finite amount of money and perhaps a finite number of hours per month. Husbands and wives need to cut each other some slack in these matters, but if one of these guys starting hiding his losses or spending more time with the jack of diamonds than his queen of hearts can handle, look out.